Christmas and grief
Christmas for me for the last couple of years has been rough. I have been in a state of grief.
On Christmas Eve as a wee little teenager I found out that my parents were getting a divorce. I can remember sitting there and feeling confused, relieved, and lost.
Not so surprisingly as the type of person that I am I shoved it down and put on a happy face and remained incredibly positive.
I never actually allowed myself to feel how I was feeling in the moment. To sit in the pain and let the normal grieving process happen.
You may be asking yourself, why didn’t I allow myself? Or maybe you’re thinking I would do the exact same thing, or I have done the exact same thing.
Needless to say as the years went on and Christmas time would come up I would have all these feeling start to bubble up like clockwork. I would continually ask myself things like “Ali, this was SO many years ago, why are you still upset?”
What I have learned from countless therapy sessions and working through my pain through a multitude of different modalities is that:
Your pain will follow you, even if you swallow it down and save it for a “rainy day”.
Just because something has happened a long time ago doesn’t mean that the wound it created doesn’t still hurt.
95% of the time old pain will come up when your life is going seamlessly and you have to find the right tools for yourself to work through it.
I would continually think to myself “okay this year is going to be different, I am in a stable, loving, healing relationship how could I be sad about something that has happened so long ago?”
Here is the kicker.
I will always have that wound. It will always be there. But I can do things to make the wound not a gaping hole and rather a scar that I look at and remind myself of all the things that I have overcome.
I want anyone who is reading this to know that whether you are in the midst of grief, sadness because of COVID and not being able to spend this holiday with your loved ones, or whatever you are going through that you are going to be okay; even if it does not feel like it right now.
One day at at time.
One foot in front of the other.
One minute at a time, one second at a time.
You will continue to move forward.
Life will continue to move you in directions that you never thought possible.
.
.
.
This season for me has slowly started to get easier. Because I have allowed myself to find a new tradition. COVID has actually been a blessing because instead of focusing on the parties we will attend my husband and I have been able to find a routine that will work for us.
This has brought me a lot of peace because this new routine has affirmed that I can write a new story for my pain.
I don’t have to allow it to take over each Christmas and that I can find the joy in a new tradition that is going to be best for not only myself but for my family.
Wrapping you in a big hug.
XO,
Ali
